After waiting for the end of the world it was Solisticemas

I think I did feel some stillness in the dark night, some alcohol-fueled joy.  The puppet show was wonderful as always.  But these holidaze felt heavy.  The oceans are melting, overflowing, drying-up and polluted. 

Maybe it was all the treats I ate.  Maybe it's that too many are broke and broken, or the general tension I feel when forces square off rather than join together.  I forgot and left behind things, but I was early enough to go back for what was necessary.   I shopped too much, but gave some gifts that seemed well-received.

My two sons were brotherly.  I had a chance to be motherly.  I also got to be the cool Aunt while not officially mourning my two cool Aunts who left the world this year.  My dog is dying, maybe that is where the blue mood comes from.

Surprised that this article resonated with me, but I guess I like Maureen Dowd better than Jack Bogdanski.

Today there is a Kwanzaa celebration in City Hall.  Full moon tomorrow.

It's hard not to miss things

Watching History Detectives last night, I remembered that is is Zappadan.

I respect Frank Zappa.  But he's not as easy to love as Michael Moore.



And there is no one song of his that I like to listen to over and over like with some singer songwriters.  This old favorite came to mind during these dark days:



 Frank Zappa is more than a singer songwriter though.



I think he's just over my head.



Maybe someday I'll learn.  I do believe you can teach old dogs new tricks.  I like seeing live musicians and trying to match what I hear with what I see.  Sunday night I think one song was called Mercy.  Here is a new mercy song I found searching.    

I won something

On the Eighth Night of Hanukkah, I went to see Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Clinton Street Theater.  I was marked a V for virgin since I hadn't been to see the show at that theater in more than 6 months.  I'm not sure if I ever saw the show at the theater.  I know I saw it once in high school or college, but don't recall where.

Before the movie there was fun and games including making the virgins do silly things.  I was in a bad dancing contest and the audience clap-o-meter showed that I clearly beat all of the other dancers.  I started by doing the pony that got me ridiculed by the older girl in kindergarten and ended by losing my glasses on the floor.

There was so much heckling during the movie--references to all sorts of geek culture that wasn't even around the first time I saw Rocky Horror--that I couldn't always follow the movie.  I don't know why Frank N Furter killed Meat Loaf and raped those kids.

The show was a benefit for a dead girl's dad.  The crew there was like a family.

Greasy

More than halfway through Hanukkah, I've almost had my fill of fried foods, which is surprising.  My long lost friend and her bright girls left things behind after our latke dinner, hopefully meaning that they'd like to return. 

I surprised myself at how much I was expecting something to happen 12/12/12. I'd love a fresh start.  But the Sandy relief concert felt outdated.  Lots of rockers of old age and Alicia Keys singing about cell phones.

I found out today that Alyson likes Zazen.  A successful gift is always gratifying.

Satsumas are refreshing, round citrus is a solsticey food.  Onward.

Test Drive

In a bit of thinking ahead, I've been planning what my next year's blog theme will be.  I'm thinking birthdays--I will try to write an entry for friends and family's birthdays, maybe other people too.  Well today is my ex-husband's 50th birthday. 

I found out that he shares the day with a writer/filmmaker I've been interested in over the past year or so.  This is what I wrote to that person who has been trying to fund a Kickstarter campaign:

Happy Birthday. 

It is funny to me that you have the same birthday as my ex-husband.  I thought that he would be a good investor for your movie, but since I divorced him, he's even less interested in hearing my ideas.  I left him a voicemail greeting. He is 50 today.  I feel slightly guilty that I didn't stay with him to provide the type of 50th birthday celebration that some people get.  It would have been difficult to pull off such a thing happily for him.  It seemed easier to me to stop trying.  Instead I'm on a committee to organize a 65th birthday party fundraiser for the Northwest Workers Justice Project. 

I don't like how everything ends up to be about raising money--helping low-wage immigrant workers, making art, movies.   People who have money can think about other things.  But getting money is the first step. We all have to sell something we have if we want to be able to buy something we want.   I don't like to admit it, because it seems almost like admitting that Republicans are right and everyone should just focus on personal acquisition of wealth. I have to remind myself that it could be that Marx was right instead.  Or maybe Buddha.  If I free myself from wanting things then I don't have to try to raise money.  You seem to have a good new model--transparent supportive community product production.

I hope you have good fortune and the money you need to live the life you'll be proud of at 65.

Gobble Gobble

There was a rainbow this morning over the river and into the clouds as I rode my new old bike downtown to work.  The ride across the bridge is usually my best time of the day.  At the time I was thinking about lesbians.

Here is a cool Bruce Springsteen video.  Going to see Jonathan Richman for the umpteenth time motivated me to see El Hefe for the first.



Ok there were no Thanksgiving catastrophes sitting across the table from Sandy Lee. I kind of put my foot in my mouth with her husband during the gravy making.  Our dining conversation broke down over a disagreement about natural vs. man-made Christmas trees.  It is so difficult for the most important dinner of the year to live up to expectations.

There was the creamiest green bean cassarole in the largest crock pot.  Gnarly Head merlot.  A cow family in the barn and a ham named Donald.

I brought home the tea set but no leftovers. 

Since then, in addition to seeing East Coast singer-songwriters over 60 with dark curly hair, I have spent enough money to feed a village in Africa on gifts for my family and friends, caught up on some TV, and started a book (reading not writing). 

Veteran's Day and Diwali

It is sad that they changed Armistice Day to Veteran's Day.

My hero this year is Bradley Manning.  http://www.democracynow.org/seo/2012/11/14/as_bradley_manning_offers_guilty_plea

It seems like the worst people sometimes get away with the most and the best are persecuted.

You can't believe what you read though.  Attempts to correct mistakes in the newspaper are met with shrugs, as if anyone thought they were objective reporters of what they believed to be true.  At least wikipedia can be fact-checked.

We need festivals of lights to combat the darkness that comes year after year.  We need mourning rituals to comfort each generation of children who lose their parents and have to acknowledge their own aging and mortality and the tragic unlucky parents who confront the knowledge that if there is a God, he is not always good, when they are the ones to say goodbye to their babies.  We need peacemakers and truth-tellers to sacrifice their comfort over and over to fight the people who lie and make war in order to grab some more comfort for themselves at the expense of others.

Why is it so hard to choose love over fear when no one gets out alive?

Reelection Day

Yesterday was an odd day.  All the momentum and anticipation pausing slightly before a somewhat disappointing finale.  Maybe it was Sandy, and the moist rainy hurricane-like weather here on the other blue coast.  Knowing there are very few wins and mostly constant compromise makes me feel old.  There is going to be rust and mold.

But today is fine.  Today I had a voodoo donut on the bridge.  The sunshine and clean air surrounded me not like dough around raspberry jelly.  But rather like the sky surrounds a flock of birds.  Looking back, fear and anguish seem foolish.

If it smells like death, it probably is

Happy Halloween.  I'm wearing my traditional holiday orange skirt from Alyson's mom today at work.  Tonight I'll be scary Grannie.

The vet just called to say Doh has malignant melanoma.  I haven't had the heart to kick her off the couch and bed even though she smells.  She still seems OK, has her appetite and wants to explore places she shouldn't.
Maybe she'll make it to her birthday in February.

Genocide Day?

AKA Columbus Day.  This past weekend celebrating Jack's 49th in the home of the 49ers I crossed the street from Chinatown into Little Italy and bought some Foccacia.

I love free outdoor concerts in the park.  Something old something new.

Some people called it San Francisco's Best Weekend Ever  San Francisco's Best Weekend Ever.  Although the Blue Angels were kind of annoying it was a great time.

I almost missed it

I've been sick since I fasted.  But I enjoyed the atoning.  My first sin of the New Year can be forgetting to blog about Yom Kippur.

I guess my ex decided to forgive me since he is communicating again.  I guess Nick wins some money for that.

There has been a lot happening that isn't explicit, but rather communication flying in the ether not expressed through scientific clear language but seemingly true and clear nonetheless.

I got paid back. 

I thought I could claim having achieved menopause but I started bleeding and have to start counting to one year without a period all over again.

I feel better when I dance.

I'm a Freebird?

Fall Equinox

The President was invested.  Autumn is here.  A long weekend
leads into a long week.

Summer is over again.  There are still some roses around
but the chill in the air is unmistakeable.

Riots in China starkly different from Mitt's description of thousands of virgins waiting for marriage. 

The radio teaches about bird calls--today it's the Red Breasted Nuthatch http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/red-breasted_nuthatch/sounds

L'Shana Tova

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)

• Yesterday
• Today
• Tomorrow

Tuesday, Sep 18th, 2012 -- Even if you get up on the wrong side of the bed today, life grows brighter as the day wears on. You may need to deal with an obstacle that has been placed in your path by your boss or some other authority figure. However, you don't have to confront the problem head-on yet; you can simply acknowledge it while dancing around its edges. You will be better equipped to handle the situation in a few days once the intensity settles down.

This morning was really rough.  Bad dreams and thoughts all around.  It's good to know life grows brighter.

Labor Day

The end of summer usually has a bittersweet component.

I'm happy to celebrate a day off from work today, watching Jerry Lewis.

He reminds me a bit of Barry Manilow, I guess, because this song was going through my head:

The next generation of kids got married this weekend. The best things for me were decorating my bike basket and phone calls with 3 people from the past.  But there were a lot of other good things too.

This next new year may be the one in which I can't count on having my health.

Blue Moon

It will be 3 years until the next one.  My calendar says it is Buddhist Ancestor Day today too.  I've been hearing about people's parents sick and about to die a lot lately.  It is sad to me that our memories of departed ancestors can sometimes be easier to cherish than the interactions with live relatives.

Making it to the end of this week feels like the culmination of the last half year, if not the last 20 or so years.  I'm empty nested.  I'm tan.  I'm hot all the time now--still want to announce it like a Golden Girl, but try not to.  Summer is over.

School, work, the election, apple trees; the signs of fall are here. I'm in danger of sinking into Reality TV and Kate Bush YouTubes instead of focusing on something productive.  But maybe after a weekend off I can get some new direction.

I've got a lot of instruments but not the discipline to learn to play.

Dog Days

Although I kind of missed my older son's birthday, I did send gifts that he liked, calling them DOPE.  He wouldn't listen to my complaints of the heat since where he is it is over 100 all the time.

I was at Pickathon and didn't keep track of the date.  I didn't think about my wedding anniversary this week either.  Remembering, I think that Pickathon might have been the start of my desire to get divorced.  I went with my ex-husband one year long ago and looked into the woods and wished I was one of the people camping.  It was clear that to camp there would be a nightmare for my then-spouse.  He bought me a hula hoop and a hippie skirt that I still have and eventually I returned to Pendarvis Farm for lots of great music and fun.

The heat and someone's bad back and splintered heel made this year not totally relaxed.  I ran into many familiar faces but didn't spend very much time connecting.  I want to remember the woman Diane I met. Maybe I'll see her again around town.

I've already posted about the bands I especially liked this year on other social media platforms.The final show I saw this year was Midtown Dickens.  I'd talked to one of the girls in the merch trailer.  They are young kids who reminded me of me when I first went to New York.  Now I'm the old lady telling the drunk girls to hush while the musicians are playing.



I have been alternating between being very tired and being very active.  So far it seems like I'm getting the things done that need to be done, but I'm making mistakes too.  It is hard for me to distinguish between just being hot and having hot flashes these days.

Tisha B'Av

I didn't fast but probably should have.

http://www.religiondispatches.org/dispatches/sarahposner/6227/romney,_tisha_b%27av,_and_lds_temples/

Ramadan

I saw and heard a lot of great music this weekend.  Seeing Amanda Palmer eating with Jason Webley before her show is an example of how small the world felt at times.   This song sticks out.



But the ukelele song was great too.  These sisters opened for her at a a benefit show to send audio information gadgets to Saabaalong.  I was happy to have Rosie visit!



I had social activities with friends and coworkers.  Brunch and a picnic in a park with beer, cake and curry, garbanzo bean, and cucumber salad.  I also saw a Woody Guthrie tribute at a benefit for CRAG who will be hosting my favs the Black Lillies.   And caught some rays and couple of acts at PDX PopNow including White Fang:

No dependents

Today my second baby turns 18.  It seems both harder and easier to take care of someone else than to take care of myself.  After years of being a mom who took care of my seemingly helpless kids, I haven't seen myself as an old lady who would need help from her children. But now I'm starting to see it as more of a possibility, especially as my old father worries about my future.

The Fourth of July is a good day to eat cherries.  I take it as a sign of my transition from midwesterner to northwesterner that I now prefer Rainier cherries to Bing.  The strawberry season didn't do much for me this year, but I'm looking forward to blueberry time.  I think that gritty little bit of skin that blueberries leave behind in my teeth is what makes them healthy.  I don't feel the same way about raspberry seeds, which come to think of it, seem to be being bred out of raspberries.  The ones I've eaten lately don't seem as seedy as I remember from the old days. 

I'm old now.  When I was young I liked to read and think about the olden days when people rode on covered wagons to their new homesteads.  Now when I talk about the old days I refer to a time I experienced, when people had groovy clothes and I didn't realize how fast time passes on.

For Solstice I was with friends from LA.  I don't know about long days, but the nights have been feeling pretty short. 

Penelope Trunk says you should live where you have family and friends.  I have friends in LA.  Family in San Francisco and New Jersey.

One thing new this past year for me is Stephen Elliot..  I barely go to theRumpus,net, but I read many of his emails.  Today's What is Art was especially good.  I finished one of his books and have started a second.  He knows Cheryl Strayed whose book I haven't read but her advice column was the one thing on the Rumpus I did read and how I found him.  In my world he and Bob would collaborate, each helping the other.

There is a job at the city that would be good for me, but they have tapped someone else.  I should still submit my application, but I might not.  Is there another seed  I can ripen?  Some old to dust off?  Something new to discover?

I stayed in on Flag Day and watched Mad Men even though I would have liked to see the Nutmeggers do bluegrass versions of rap songs. 

Right now I'm hearing Song of the Soul, one of my all time favorites.

B day

There is an internet meme that has one look up the number one pop song the week you were born and then post it.  I've been kind of embarrassed that mine is "It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To."  It is not uncommon for me to cry on by birthday though.  There is something about the celebrations that makes me sad.



I have plenty to be grateful for of course.  My kids keep veering back and forth between disaster and awesomeness--either way they are both pretty grown up and responsible for their own success or failure.  My parents are old now but managing fine.  Being someone's mother, wife, or daughter isn't really enough anymore.  I have to be my own someone.  I'm giving myself one more trip around the sun before I evaluate.  I don't have a strategic plan for how to use the next 12 months.  Maybe I'll do a tarot card for each.  Today was  Four of Stones   My interpretation book talks about thunder, about knowing and conquering fear and finding my source of strength.

Memories of the casualties of war

I think I've missed some minor holidays and celestial events.  But I did manage to eat a dairy dinner (Trader Joe's shells and brie and asparagus) for Shavout.

Today is Memorial Day.  The long weekend rest is really needed after one of the most stressful 2 week periods in my life. I've been prone since H. left for his dad's yesterday at 6 even though there is toxic waste waiting to be cleaned up in the basement.

The general atmosphere of mourning seems different this year from some which are all about beer and BBQ.

I would love it if people could exercise love not fear, Donnie Darko be damned.

Poor Unfortunate Victims

I spent a sunny Mother's Day with two different local families after treating myself to a soak and sauna at Common Ground.  Nice to observe awkward family drama that I'm not really a part of.  I see the value in just getting along and having a good time, but it can be so difficult to do while remaining conscious.  Got a new/old pillow at a resale shop.  My other son sent me roses and I got a bouquet with lilacs and talked to my mother on Saturday.

Later I made dinner for my son and watched a little tv with him then went to the pub. I was sober enough to notice people drunker than me.  Dan played Zappa in a more than usual rock-type show.

Sunny and moony Cinco de Mayo. The weekend went by too quickly. A doctor worked to save my orchid. I had my first kumquats. People have been making comments about my hair. I probably look like a freak.

I had a vacation from work to go to Cleveland. Then at the end of last month it was Arbor Day, yay trees! Then May Day! It was great to be with the ILWU Local 8 celebrating International Workers Day. What is Beltane? I think I'm celebrating that too. It's Golden Week in Japan combining 9 holidays. I finished a couple of books I'd been reading for a while. Maybe I have turned a page.

Kboo has been great for me today. Democracy Now!, Positively Revolting, my favorite women singers. Harbingers of the Great Turning.

Friday the 13th

I saw the best show in my life I think. Elvis at the Schnitz with some of that Napoleon Dynamite stuff happening. I went up closer than my assigned seat and could read the song names on the spinning wheel. The first woman called up on stage was Becky and Elvis said out name multiple times. He took advantage of the acoustics and sang without the mic on one solo song. The colors of the set reminded me of my flannel comforter cover. I didn't get called on stage to dance in the Go Go girl cage, but I was on my feet for most of the night.



One of the spins was a medley of songs about time, Clowntime is Over, Straight Time, Man Out of Time. I can't remember all of the songs, but he played for 2 1/2 hours of beloved song after song familiar but not by rote. He and the Imposters seemed to really enjoy the show. I felt a moment of magic when he played the song I wanted, without a spin.



We didn't get Party Girl in Portland. But here it is from Seattle the night before:

Not enough springing forward

I'm falling a little behind on my holiday blogging. Today is National Sibling Day. I facebooked my brother.

Ash Wednesday I sat by a fire blazing, saw the moon rise and set above the ocean.

I'm going to my old family's late-Passover this weekend, went to a community seder Saturday night and lit candles, fixed a seder plate, made matzoh ball soup and read Exodus by myself on the full moon Friday for the first night of Passover. Following the commandments gives me a sense of order I guess. I thought about the ways that I have freed myself. I'm don't think I've quite made it to the promised land, but my desert wandering is full of dancing and tambourines.

I met a new family on Easter and wanted to eat a yummy looking Christian baby.

I think the autumn holidays of Thanksgiving and Atonement suit my disposition better, but my world is full of colorful flowers and the sun sure is nice when it shines.

whoosh

It was an active weekend. Kissed a zombie. Dancing and drinking as usual, more musical variety than normal, and a little aromatherapy thrown in. The Real Davis refers to the Real Kramer, not the Real Slim Shady. I heard praises sung to Smiley Lewis.

I didn't get fooled much, a tiny cherry blossom trick.

I missed the Cesar Chavez Day gathering at St. Francis. I'm tempted to let a friend convince me that supporting musicians is a worthwhile contribution to society.

Green is my favorite color but not because of St. Patrick

Last night I got dolled up for a party. I beat everyone at Twister, although I suspect Sam the birthday boy was going easy on me.

I'm listening to a song from 1938 that I first hear around 2002 on my favorite radio show American Routes. Joseph Campbell said something about how when you are following your bliss things feel right.

Alternating sun and frozen precipitation today.

Pi Day

I've been eating too much lately.

Thinking about how having someone say I'm cute can make my day. This article confirms a hunch I've always had. I'd like to be able to take better advantage of my intuitive powers.

I've got ideas, but don't transform them into action very often.

Raunchy Rockin' Purim Party after an excellent set by Bingo and his Band. It was my first trip to the Bossanova Ballroom dancing to the oldies and laughing at the Spiel. I was an Ester made from alcohol plus acid sharpied on a t-shirt. The hamantaschen was delish. Then there was late night biking.

Today is International Woman's Day. I woke to this to the radio.

F29

Leap Day was a holiday for me. Moist. Water of all sorts from steamy hot to frozen. I loved the yellow umbrellas, Realize, Real Eyes, Real Lies?

Three holidays in a row

I spent President's Day hiking to a triple waterfall, seeing magic in the woods.

I walked around with a beverage had some gumboesque soup for Mardi Gras and woke up to this song on Ash Wednesday.



I feel lucky to not have many troubles to begin with.

VD 2012

Valentines Day was lovely.

I should have said hi to the statute when I was downtown Sunday but didn't realize it was Lincoln's birthday until too late

This Wonderful Week

We had 2/2 the venerable groundhog day and 2/8 Nirvana day for some with a full moon in between. It can't get any better than this. Or can it?

Imbolc, Candlemas, Groundhog Day

People were springy today. I went back and forth between City Hall without my jacket. I bought some candles and some home repair supplies. I hope I can get reactivated. I've been spinning my wheels and ruminating on the past for a while while not blotting out thoughts at the bar. It would be nice to be able to manifest some personal growth, transcend the unhealthy patterns I wake up following day after day.

I composed but didn't send a Mercury valentine. I've been feeling unattractive but getting some compliments. Buffy Season 6 told my fortune in place of an online tarot reading.

Chinese New Year with the Kung Pao Chickens.

I saw myself square dancing on youtube and was not impressed. But it was fun while I was doing it.

I missed MLK Day, it was a day off not a day on like it is supposed to be. I listened to some of the speeches and heard how prescient Dr. King was. Two steps forward one step back could get us there.

Snow night was giddy fun, but with awareness, the waste of the living soup can't be denied. Bingo's cynical knowingness contrasts and compares with Dan's earnest calm creating a balance and the rhythm section has seen the other side.

The holidays this past weekend were Elvis and David Bowie's birthdays and the full moon. I heard so much music at the River City festival that it was almost too much.

I can't find a clip of the song Without Love but I saw this too.




I now have as sense of the difference between Swing and Country and Music from the True Vine and look forward to square dancing to Old Time music. I learned something new about full moons from a wise woman. I'd like to be one some day.

Yappy Hew Near

This morning walking with Doh in the sunny park in my pjs, I thought this year could be a year of holiday blogging, like Holiday Inn. Then I started thinking all about the problems of racism and wondered if blogging could help me figure out any solutions.

2012 has been good so far, save for breaking a nail at the same time Nick's computer screen cracked. I guess I'm glad that Obama signed the NDAA in 2011. Maybe he'll be better in 2012, on the campaign trail.

I spent the end of the 2011 watching TV (Sons of Anarchy, Spaced and Sherlock) with my two handsome sons. It lit a firecracker and it exploded in my hand. Those things are dangerous! We're having a Rose Bowl party tomorrow, hopefully I'll be able to tidy up a bit before then.